Pouring out my heart

Psalm 143:10-11
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God:
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For the sake of Your name, O Lord revive me.
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.

When I started this blog, I really wanted it to be a way to keep our family and friends up to date with what God is doind in our lives. We have included updates on the church plant, opportunities that God might be leading us toward and a good amount of fun fluff (see the previous post). Now I'm goign to share with you a spiritual struggle I'm in the midst of.

I had my two-year review last week at work. Although I maintained good ratings in most categories and increased to a "superior" in job knowledge, I received a "marginal" score for performance. This included attitude and accuracy.

I can feel it when I get stressed at work. It's busy and there are things I have to get done and customers need help and co-workers have questions. . . It's hard for me to switch back and forth between them all. What I didn't know was that I have a Dr. Jeykel/Mr. Hyde personality (that's a quote). Apparently I'm "happy Christina" 90% of the time and the other 10% I'm scary! This news was kind of devastating, because I didn't know that I was making my co-workers feel like that and because it's such a terrible witness!

I have had at least one offage every month for the last year. I spent some time thinking about this, pondering why they thought that was so much worse that I was feeling that it was. One day off out of twenty work days is 95%. That's an A! My worst month I was off 4 times!! OUCH! But, still only an 80%. I just hadn't gotten it into my head that I'm not being graded like I was in school. There is not scale - it's pass/fail and it takes 100% to pass. Besides this perception problem I had, I thought I was checking all my work. I truly am supprized when I get an email saying I neglected to perfom or follow through on some duty.

So I had to come up with a PIP (personal improvement plan) I was able to come up with some practical things as well as some ways my supervisors might be able to help. I also included a spiritual section to my plan because that's not separate
from every other part of my life. My supervisors thought that was good because they know how important my faith is to me. So, I expected things to be/get better immediately.

Instead they got worse! The first thing I saw at my station when I came in today was a list of things I had neglected to do/done wrong at work on Saturday. I had to go to the bathroom and dab at my eyes! Today was the fourth, off-the-charts-busy day in a row! My checks didn't match in the middle of the day! Usually this happens because I type in the number wrong when I'm adding them up, or I made some other small, easily fixable mistake when processing the transaction. Not so toady! I spent the rest of the afternoon looking for it, while the two girls who came in early stayed just as late as the rest of us trying to get everything taken care of. And now, while I have tomorrow off, someone else has to go back through every piece of work I did trying to find my mistake!!

I'm crushed! I don't know what else to do to fix whatever it is that has made these last couple of months so bad at work. The grace, patience, love and servanthood that my supervisors have shown/are showing is a daily conviction to me (especially considering my current attitude issues). But, I feel like God is doing something. I don't know what. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do or learn. I don't know how this is going to glorify God or how it will prepare me for what God has in store next, but I'm confident that it will. And it feels like it's something BIG!

I'd like to thank my brother-in-law, Phillip, for his great reminder of these things. Also, I really covet your prayers while I continue through this time striving to keep my eyes on Jesus and seeking my strenth and joy in Him. Please also pray for what God has in store for me/us and that His Spirit would complete this work of preparation in me.

I love you all and thank you for your love and prayers.