A Study in Opposites

I have come across two great joke lists - one for where I live now and one for where I grew up. Notice some of the opposites:


Jeff Foxworthy's comments on Montana

If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Great Falls, Billings or Bozeman (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn),You might live in Montana.

If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord, You might live in Montana.

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Montana.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Montana.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Montana.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in Montana.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Montana.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Montana.

If you know how to correctly pronounce Butte, You might live in Montana.

If you measure distance in hours, You might live in Montana.

If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup, You might live in Montana.

If you know several people who have hit deer more than once, You might live in Montana.

If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C"in the same day and back again, You might live in Montana.

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, You might live in Montana.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,You might live in Montana.

If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game,You might live in Montana.

If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Deer gun Opener, You might live in Montana.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in Montana.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in Montana.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, You might live in Montana.

If you can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in Montana.

If you consider Red Lodge exotic,You might live in Montana.

If the sunbelt to you means Miles City, You might live in Montana.

If a brat is something you eat, You might live in Montana.

If you find 0 degrees a little chilly, You might live in Montana.


You know you're from Florida when.....

"Down South" means Key West.

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too.

Socks are only for bowling.

Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit.

Tap water makes you vomit.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store,but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not "pop." It's "soda" or "coke."

Anything under 70 is chilly.

You've attended a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee , Okahumpka and Loxahatchee.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You could swim before you could read.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread the lovebug seasons.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

You were twelve before you ever saw snow or you still haven't.

When the northerners complain that 80 is 'so hot', you just stand there and smile.

You refer to the seasons as "Tourist Season", "Fire Season" "Hurricane Season" and "Mosquito Season".


Perhaps these illustrate why my life is so full of extremes :) Hope you enjoyed!