She Changed Her Mind

The birth-mother, that is. We found out on Wednesday. I have been thinking about what I would write since then, but now my mind is totally blank. I've heard several times recently that we only ask God "why?" when bad things happen, but when this first happened and we thought it was good, I did ask why. The easy answer to come to is the He loves us. The answer is the same when bad things happen, it's just not as easy to come to. I had a hard time remembering that God is love when Michael resigned from Columbus Baptist, but God used a song from a CD Michael was listening to to remind me of that from the very beginning this time. I cried a lot on Wednesday but since then I've been OK. I kind of feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop emotionally - can I really be this OK this fast?

Um, a few more details - apparently Amy is planning on also trying to get her boys back and parenting all her children. Becky (our social worker) seemed like she was being very intentional in letting us know this was the end with Amy. There were a couple of things that we didn't have to do as far as our adoption process goes because Amy came to us - now we have to go back and do those things (make a photo album of us and write a generic letter to expectant parents) so that Catholic Social Services will have everything they need to start showing us to expectant parents. Becky has told us since she did our home study that they were really in need of adoptive parents. Apparently there is only one other couple in the adoptive pool that is childless and a lot of the time girls want to place their babies with childless couples. She had told us repeatedly not to worry, that we will be snatched up quickly.

I've tried to be gracious when people ask questions like "what if Amy changes her mind?" I guess I don't really want to talk about it and, like I said, Becky didn't really leave that open as a possibility. But even more than that, God has given me eyes to see (and realise and remember and keep in the front of my mind) that Amy changing her mind again is not where my hope of children lies - it lies with God alone. Our faith is in Him and our eyes are on Him.

Michael talked with Pastor Paul on Wednesday night. Paul told him that several of the Armour-Bearer families were going through really hard times and he believed that they were all attacks from Satan, not to destroy our faith (because He's not strong enough to do that) but to make us ineffective to minister. That was a perspective that I hadn't come to on my own. After I got the phone call on Wednesday, I remembered what Brian said in small group on Tuesday. He was talking about the man born blind (in John 9?) and said that he's asked himself what would he be willing to give up so that God could get glory for one moment in time. I wouldn't have chosen this but I'm asking God the help me live in and through this in such a way that He gets glory.

I want to end by thanking our friends, family and church family for all their prayers - we can feel them. Really.

NICE

I've been inspired by my brother-in-law's bearing of his soul on his blog to share something that God is doing in my heart. When we lived in Helena, right before we moved to Columbus, I was becoming frustrated with my job because it felt like every other week I was being taken aside by my boss to have a conversation about my attitude. There were times that I could hear the irritation in my own voice when talking with customers or co-workers, but I was working really hard and the more it she talked to me about it, that harder time I had figuring out what particular thing she was talking about. I sort of let out a sigh of relief when we moved and just put it behind me. Probably not the best thing for my spiritual development.

Almost a year into working at the pharmacy in Columbus, my boss pulled me aside to tell me what a wonderful job he thought I was doing and how much he appreciated my attitude. I can't say that I didn't think "Ha, that shows them." And I went on my merry way. Nearly 8 months later, I get the other talk, the one about being rude to my co-workers and the customers. I cried and I went into work early on my day off to ask my co-workers' forgiveness. And again I started working really hard. He gave me six weeks and had to have another talk. I was doing great with my co-workers, but still not so much with the customers. Mind you, were not talking about every customer - just the annoying ones, right? He said he'd been keeping his eye on me and that I'm really great most of the time, but the times that I'm not is really bad - either rudeness or condescension. I cried again and took a hard look.

The problem can't be my bosses - it has to be me. But why is my trying hard not good enough? I had a realization (with the help of the Holy Spirit) about the extremes of rudeness and condescension: when I try to act nice instead of rude, it comes out as condescending. The reason my trying hard isn't good enough is because I'm trying to ACT nice. Nice is a good secular word but I've decided to use it in reference to 6 out of the 9 fruits of the Spirit: love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. What I need is the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart to change me to BE nice instead of me trying (and failing) to act nice.

I'll echo my brother-in-law by saying that I'm not looking for people to tell me that "they're" wrong and I'm right and "they" need to stop being mean to me. I can hear my family now telling me what a great person I am (ever heard the saying "love is blind"?) I do welcome prayers on my behalf and thoughts: about what God is teaching you, good passages of Scripture for this situation, etc. . . If you want to tell me that you still love me even though I'm a retched sinner, that's OK, too :) Right back at'cha.

Armour-Bearers

This is an update on Michael and ministry. Our senior pastor, Paul, has been working with a group of guys at Emmanuel who feel called to the ministry. He gathered them together as a group and walked them through some of the basics including spiritual gifts and areas of ministry. They are called armour-bearers in reference to the men in the Old Testament who served the king by bearing his armour. Some of the main jobs these men will have will involve lightening the pastors' loads and encouraging and defending them when needed. After Paul finished the basics with these men and after we left Columbus Baptist, Paul asked Michael to join the group. Emmanuel is now in the process of restructuring the pastoral staff to include these 10 men as unpaid staff members. Paul is putting them to work in the areas of their calling and working them through the process of licensing and ordination as needed. I love that our church is taking on the job of raising up leaders and preparing them for the ministry, instead of "the call" being something mysterious and preparing for it being left solely to seminaries. Emmanuel is beginning the process of introducing each armour-bearer to the congregations. We are having an armour-bearer and wives retreat at the end of the month. And to put feet to the assertion that they are all staff-members (though unpaid and working other full-time jobs) monthly staff meetings have been moved to the evening so these men can attend and these men and their wives are being included in the staff retreat at the end of the summer. I am blessed by the lengths to which God has lead and the leaders of Emmanuel have followed in preparing, encouraging and using these men and their wives in ministry. Currently Michael and I will continue leading music at the Laurel campus, training to lead small groups and working with the other Laurel campus staff members to encourage our Laurel pastor and reach the community. Please pray for us as we continue to heal from previous ministry hurts and as we wade back into public ministry.

The Lost Wallet

So, I lost my wallet 5 days before we were supposed to fly to Texas for Christmas. After searching our vehicles, our house, my workplace, and having my boss check his house after attending a Christmas party there, I got to work replacing things - first of all my driver's license. I was allowed on the planes with a paper temporary copy o fmy driver's license and now have new cards coming from the bank and credit card companies. I also have a new wallet. The searching of my house for my wallet included looking in every cabinet, drawer and even the fridge and freezers because, you never know. When I walked into work this past Monday my dirty, pink wallet was sitting on the counter! My boss had searched his house thoroughly because his son thinks it is a game to take things from his Mom's purse and for her to chase him down for them. At some point during the Christmas party he apparently took my wallet (and hand sanitizer), poked a hole in the top of one of his Christmas presents and hid them in there! They waited to open this particular present until this past weekend so the "giver" could watch him open it. . . and my wallet and my hand sanitizer (hee,hee). We got a lot of laughs and there was no harm done. My mother-in-law is just hoping that he doesn't grow up to be a career criminal :)