Shame

God has taken me on a journey to learn a little about shame in these last few months. The first step was at a youth conference we had at our church at the beginning of April. The speaker asked the students what was the source of their biggest shame. The things that came to my mind were things I had no control over - therefore why should I feel shame? God then spent the next week showing me the things I should actually be ashamed of - sins in my life that had a stronghold and needed dealing with. Isn't that sneaky of the devil to have us being ashamed of things we have no control over while glossing over things we should be ashamed of, like our own sin. I thought that was the end of the journey.

The next step came at a women's conference this past weekend. The speaker again addressed shame. I realized that part of the shame over that things I could not control was not shame over the things themselves, but over that pain they have caused me. I have been ashamed of my pain (pain for the purposes of these next examples may be equated with tears) Why? I came up with a couple of answers: I don't want to draw attention to my self, I am afraid people will misunderstand and judge me, what if they think I'm being selfish, and finally if I am always displaying my pain to everyone will people get tired of me? I'm not saying they are good reasons, but they are my reasons. And the nugget of truth that followed was this: The world ignores pain - tries to deaden and hide it. I do no service to the Gospel, to the power of Jesus as Comforter and Prince of Peace when I hide and ignore my pain. It's a testimony/witness/gospel issue.

Now, for my family and friends who are now trying to book plane tickets so you can fly out and give me a hug, I'm fine. This is not new pain - it has to do with not living where we want to live and our family not being as big as we'd like. Stuff that we've been dealing with for a couple of years now. I guess I'm surprised by the pain sometimes because I think I should be over it? But if the situation still exists, I guess the pain does, too. But it's not always at the front of my mind. I am even happy and in love and learning and growing and ministering. I guess that's part of the testimony, too. Being a Christian doesn't shield me from pain. But I do have a relationship with the One Who gathers all my tears in a jar, Who wrote the story of my life, Who can redeem my pain, Who has already redeemed my life, Who holds me in the palm of His hand. . .

Life Update

It's been quite a while since I posted anything so, for those of you who are still checking this blog, I decided to just give an update on where we are in life. Michael had interviewed for a job about two months ago and finally, seven weeks after interviewing, got his "thanks for applying" letter in the mail. He was pretty bummed, but the very next day Pastor Paul told him about a position at Peacemakers that was open. Peacemakers is a Christian organization that trains and promotes Christian conflict resolution. They have books and seminars for individual and family conflict resolution and they train mediators to help churches with conflict resolution. The position that Michael is applying for is Coordinator of Global Outreach. This position needs someone with theological training, experience in working with/in other cultures, and speaking another language won't hurt anything. He would also have a fair amount of secretarial type duties and need to be able to train people and mission teams for working cross-culturally. Please pray for him as he applies and waits and for Peacemakers that they will find the best person for this position (we hope it's Michael).

Our house has been on the market since June. We have only had a few people come see the house, but the realtor says he keeps getting inquiries about it. We will be having another open house on November 7th.

Our social worker for our adoption process has told us that they have about 15 adoptive families right now and not many birth families.

So we continue to wait on the Lord in many areas of our lives. We know that He is working in us to prepare us for what He has ahead. He has been gracious to even give us a glimpse of our own growth. He has also blessed us as new small group leaders with a great new group which we hope will continue on after the initial introduction phase. He continues to challenge and grow (and bless) Christina as she has also become the small group leader for the Freshman girls in the youth group. He has blessed us in so many ways and through so many people. . . Our hearts are full and we wait expectantly for what He has in the future and ask for His wisdom as opportunities are presented for service in the present.

Formula

I've been concerned and trying to decide what kind of formula to use once we get a baby. I started doing some research. The only formulas that are milk-based and made with milk from cows that have NOT been given growth formula are organic formulas. Thus began the cost/benefit analysis. I could get 2 cans of generic formula at Costco for about $20 while organic formula costs about $30 per can. "They" say that there is no research to show that the growth hormone given to the cows transfers in the milk or meat or affects humans in any way, but I just don't buy it. And I didn't want to give it to my baby (whenever he or she comes.) So, every time I thought about it, my brow would furrow and my stomach would clench - I didn't know what to do and I was sharing my concerns with lots of people. One friend said she had an friend who sells formula and would sell it to us by the case, which would be a little cheaper, but still. I was worried and I shouldn't have been and I was worrying instead of praying.

So, I'm in Wal-Mart yesterday and I glance toward the baby section as I walk by and what do you think God draws my attention to? Generic Organic Formula! $15 a can. I couldn't believe it and I was literally choked-up and misty-eyed in the middle of Wal-Mart! It's also a generic that our IGA in Columbus sells, so they may be able to order it for me and get me an even better deal by the case. My first thoughts were that God really is going to send us a baby and that He really is going to take care of us. Then scripture started popping into my head: "my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory", "so don't worry about those things for God knows that you need them", etc. I've been pretty happy ever since. How gracious of God to remind me to come to Him with all my worries, and to remind me (not for the first time) that He has a good plan for us and will take care of us. Hope you are encouraged and reminded of His faithfulness, also.

My New Subi

Warning: I'm about to make a short story long. Since I spun out on the interstate in our X-terra last winter, Michael has been wanting to get me a new vehicle. Subaru's are very popular up here because of their All Wheel Drive, good gas mileage and suitability for outdoor activities, so that's what we've been looking at. By looking I mean sort of dreaming of them as we drive by car lots. On Saturday we saw one at the Chevy dealership in Columbus as we were on our way out of town. Michael said he would check it out on the Internet while we were in town.

He spent some time talking and praying with a friend in Billings on Saturday and as Troy was headed home he left us with a tid-bit from a missionary he new. The missionary had said that we pray for things that are too small; we give God the credit when it's something that we could work to make happen on our own. He encouraged his audience to make a prayer list of things ONLY God could do. Troy shared that they had tried this one year and were amazed at what God did.

Michael had looked the Subi up on the Internet - it was great deal for a Subi, but still out of our range. While we drove home he asked if I wanted to go check it out and just see what happens. I said sure. Then we talked about praying for things only God could do and decided that a straight-up trade for our X-terra was a God sized task. The dealer made us an offer of the X-terra plus $1000 and we told him we'd pray about it over the weekend (we really can't afford even that, even though that would still be a great deal). He said that he doesn't see many X-terras so he would do a little more research and see what he could find out.

On Monday he left us a message saying he had good news. Michael called me at work and I said he could tell the dealer whatever he was comfortable with (yes, no, I have to talk to my wife) but that a straight-up trade was really the only way. He offered us a straight-up trade! The vehicles are the same year. Ours has less miles, theirs has better gas mileage. Ours needs new tires and a new windshield, their has seat warmers! Everything else is equal - 6 disk CD changer, power windows and doors, etc.

We make the trade tomorrow. Yeah, God!!

I was encouraged and reminded of God's faithfulness. Michael was too, but he was wishing that if God were going to answer a big prayer, He'd answer the one about a job. We discussed that a little bit, too, and decided maybe we weren't praying a big enough prayer concerning his job! Scary stuff, but I'm brave and I can't wait to see what God does this year.

Approved!!!!

We are officially approved to be adoptive parents!!!!! Our photo albums have been shipped and hopefully we will finish our "Letter to Expectant Parents" tomorrow night. I'm excited to have all this done but I'm a little apprehensive about the waiting - I think it might be harder than I'm expecting.

Job Update

Working on Sundays was more than Michael was comfortable with - even once every third Sunday. God just didn't give him a peace about it, so he turned down the job. He struggled with it for a couple of days, being really bummed. But God kept working on him and he is determined to trust God and follow Him and make his attitude follow, even if it's hard.

The lady he's been driving bus for is going to be driving her route in the afternoons starting the middle of March. This means less hours at the job that pays more per hour. We're waiting to see how God will provide, because we know He will. We're hoping it's a new job for Michael, but we'll take whatever the Lord gives.

One of the things He's giving is gas money from the church. That will be a big help.


I am currently trying not to become anxious as I try to finish our adoption photo album and as we write our "letter to expectant parents" and try to finish up the nursery. I'm just ready for our part to be done. I want to be done.

Thanks for your prayers in these areas. We love you guys.

Plugging Along

I haven't posted in a while because it feels like we're just plugging along. We're working on our photo album and the social worker is working on her paperwork; we both have a little way to go before we're finished and they can start "showing" us.

Michael has received a job offer (yea!) that would require him to work every 3rd Sunday (boo!) He is praying about it with all the church leadership to figure out how it would affect the church. This job would have benefits and vacation, opportunity for advancement and it would be more interesting. It doesn't start off paying much more than he's making now, but it's one job instead of two, plus the above mentioned benefits. He told the lady that he'd call her by Monday.

Church is good. Our small group is getting to know each other and they have already been a big encouragement to us.

We're pretty much good. Thanks for all your prayers and I will give you a job update soon.

She Changed Her Mind

The birth-mother, that is. We found out on Wednesday. I have been thinking about what I would write since then, but now my mind is totally blank. I've heard several times recently that we only ask God "why?" when bad things happen, but when this first happened and we thought it was good, I did ask why. The easy answer to come to is the He loves us. The answer is the same when bad things happen, it's just not as easy to come to. I had a hard time remembering that God is love when Michael resigned from Columbus Baptist, but God used a song from a CD Michael was listening to to remind me of that from the very beginning this time. I cried a lot on Wednesday but since then I've been OK. I kind of feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop emotionally - can I really be this OK this fast?

Um, a few more details - apparently Amy is planning on also trying to get her boys back and parenting all her children. Becky (our social worker) seemed like she was being very intentional in letting us know this was the end with Amy. There were a couple of things that we didn't have to do as far as our adoption process goes because Amy came to us - now we have to go back and do those things (make a photo album of us and write a generic letter to expectant parents) so that Catholic Social Services will have everything they need to start showing us to expectant parents. Becky has told us since she did our home study that they were really in need of adoptive parents. Apparently there is only one other couple in the adoptive pool that is childless and a lot of the time girls want to place their babies with childless couples. She had told us repeatedly not to worry, that we will be snatched up quickly.

I've tried to be gracious when people ask questions like "what if Amy changes her mind?" I guess I don't really want to talk about it and, like I said, Becky didn't really leave that open as a possibility. But even more than that, God has given me eyes to see (and realise and remember and keep in the front of my mind) that Amy changing her mind again is not where my hope of children lies - it lies with God alone. Our faith is in Him and our eyes are on Him.

Michael talked with Pastor Paul on Wednesday night. Paul told him that several of the Armour-Bearer families were going through really hard times and he believed that they were all attacks from Satan, not to destroy our faith (because He's not strong enough to do that) but to make us ineffective to minister. That was a perspective that I hadn't come to on my own. After I got the phone call on Wednesday, I remembered what Brian said in small group on Tuesday. He was talking about the man born blind (in John 9?) and said that he's asked himself what would he be willing to give up so that God could get glory for one moment in time. I wouldn't have chosen this but I'm asking God the help me live in and through this in such a way that He gets glory.

I want to end by thanking our friends, family and church family for all their prayers - we can feel them. Really.

NICE

I've been inspired by my brother-in-law's bearing of his soul on his blog to share something that God is doing in my heart. When we lived in Helena, right before we moved to Columbus, I was becoming frustrated with my job because it felt like every other week I was being taken aside by my boss to have a conversation about my attitude. There were times that I could hear the irritation in my own voice when talking with customers or co-workers, but I was working really hard and the more it she talked to me about it, that harder time I had figuring out what particular thing she was talking about. I sort of let out a sigh of relief when we moved and just put it behind me. Probably not the best thing for my spiritual development.

Almost a year into working at the pharmacy in Columbus, my boss pulled me aside to tell me what a wonderful job he thought I was doing and how much he appreciated my attitude. I can't say that I didn't think "Ha, that shows them." And I went on my merry way. Nearly 8 months later, I get the other talk, the one about being rude to my co-workers and the customers. I cried and I went into work early on my day off to ask my co-workers' forgiveness. And again I started working really hard. He gave me six weeks and had to have another talk. I was doing great with my co-workers, but still not so much with the customers. Mind you, were not talking about every customer - just the annoying ones, right? He said he'd been keeping his eye on me and that I'm really great most of the time, but the times that I'm not is really bad - either rudeness or condescension. I cried again and took a hard look.

The problem can't be my bosses - it has to be me. But why is my trying hard not good enough? I had a realization (with the help of the Holy Spirit) about the extremes of rudeness and condescension: when I try to act nice instead of rude, it comes out as condescending. The reason my trying hard isn't good enough is because I'm trying to ACT nice. Nice is a good secular word but I've decided to use it in reference to 6 out of the 9 fruits of the Spirit: love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. What I need is the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart to change me to BE nice instead of me trying (and failing) to act nice.

I'll echo my brother-in-law by saying that I'm not looking for people to tell me that "they're" wrong and I'm right and "they" need to stop being mean to me. I can hear my family now telling me what a great person I am (ever heard the saying "love is blind"?) I do welcome prayers on my behalf and thoughts: about what God is teaching you, good passages of Scripture for this situation, etc. . . If you want to tell me that you still love me even though I'm a retched sinner, that's OK, too :) Right back at'cha.

Armour-Bearers

This is an update on Michael and ministry. Our senior pastor, Paul, has been working with a group of guys at Emmanuel who feel called to the ministry. He gathered them together as a group and walked them through some of the basics including spiritual gifts and areas of ministry. They are called armour-bearers in reference to the men in the Old Testament who served the king by bearing his armour. Some of the main jobs these men will have will involve lightening the pastors' loads and encouraging and defending them when needed. After Paul finished the basics with these men and after we left Columbus Baptist, Paul asked Michael to join the group. Emmanuel is now in the process of restructuring the pastoral staff to include these 10 men as unpaid staff members. Paul is putting them to work in the areas of their calling and working them through the process of licensing and ordination as needed. I love that our church is taking on the job of raising up leaders and preparing them for the ministry, instead of "the call" being something mysterious and preparing for it being left solely to seminaries. Emmanuel is beginning the process of introducing each armour-bearer to the congregations. We are having an armour-bearer and wives retreat at the end of the month. And to put feet to the assertion that they are all staff-members (though unpaid and working other full-time jobs) monthly staff meetings have been moved to the evening so these men can attend and these men and their wives are being included in the staff retreat at the end of the summer. I am blessed by the lengths to which God has lead and the leaders of Emmanuel have followed in preparing, encouraging and using these men and their wives in ministry. Currently Michael and I will continue leading music at the Laurel campus, training to lead small groups and working with the other Laurel campus staff members to encourage our Laurel pastor and reach the community. Please pray for us as we continue to heal from previous ministry hurts and as we wade back into public ministry.

The Lost Wallet

So, I lost my wallet 5 days before we were supposed to fly to Texas for Christmas. After searching our vehicles, our house, my workplace, and having my boss check his house after attending a Christmas party there, I got to work replacing things - first of all my driver's license. I was allowed on the planes with a paper temporary copy o fmy driver's license and now have new cards coming from the bank and credit card companies. I also have a new wallet. The searching of my house for my wallet included looking in every cabinet, drawer and even the fridge and freezers because, you never know. When I walked into work this past Monday my dirty, pink wallet was sitting on the counter! My boss had searched his house thoroughly because his son thinks it is a game to take things from his Mom's purse and for her to chase him down for them. At some point during the Christmas party he apparently took my wallet (and hand sanitizer), poked a hole in the top of one of his Christmas presents and hid them in there! They waited to open this particular present until this past weekend so the "giver" could watch him open it. . . and my wallet and my hand sanitizer (hee,hee). We got a lot of laughs and there was no harm done. My mother-in-law is just hoping that he doesn't grow up to be a career criminal :)

Brrrrrrrrrr!

Is it worse for the high to be -5 or for the low to be -25? After weeks of having "cold" fronts be shorter and warmer than predicted, winter came with a vengeance. Our highs have been below freezing for a week now and will stay that way for several more days. Our lows, of course, have been below zero for much of that time - but yesterday and last night were the coldest for this cold front! Thank goodness for heat, big fluffy (that's what I call my winter coat), and front wheel drive.

Think Pink

Before I get to the sweet, funny story I'll give you as much of an update as I have. I have only spoken with Amy once, briefly on the phone, since the ultrasound. She was doing a little traveling. We are trying to find a day when we can have her over for dinner so she and Michael can meet. Our home study has been moved back to January because of scheduling conflicts with our social worker's surgery. No worries though, as long as we are approved before our little Lairdlette is born we'll be just fine. Now on to the story.

Before we knew about Amy and our baby girl, Michael kept saying he wanted a boy (I don't know too many expectant fathers who don't). We had picked out nice unisex paint and fabric to decorate the nursery - green and brown, like mint chocolate chip ice cream :) So, Michael's mom came up and painted the nursery. While she was busy making one wall brown and three walls green, Michael decided that we needed pink - and in a big way! First he suggested that we paint one wall pink and when I wrinkled my nose he suggested the ceiling! I was adamantly instructed that now that we knew we were having a girl this room needed pink. I finally convinced him that pink stripes would do the job. Then on to recovering the crib bumper that was given to us - he doesn't care how I do it as long as there's pink. He did a warp speed jump from being scared of having a girl to becoming an interior decorator who's favorite color is pink :) I love it and I love him and think he's so cute and sweet. (He adores it when I describe him with those adjectives.)

No One Can Weave a Better Story than God

About this time last year Michael and I decided that we would start pursuing adoption. After the New Year we put out a couple of feelers and requested information from several different adoption agencies. Catholic Social Services of Montana was an easy pick for us - they responded so quickly and with so much information and excitement. We started filling out the application forms they sent us and got them turned back in at the beginning of March. A couple of weeks later we received an invitation to attend their adoption workshop at the end of April. Some other things in our lives were pretty turbulent at that time, but God gave us a peace about pursuing this. We were even more excited and sure when we left the workshop. We gave ourselves until July to fill out all of our paperwork. Then, at the end of May, Michael resigned his pastoral position. This was a really hard time and made it especially hard for Michael to do the soul-searching and self-evaluation that was required for filling out all of the adoption paperwork. During this time God had to constantly remind me against striving - working hard, becoming anxious, nagging Michael to finish his stuff - none of those things were going to make a difference in our adoption because the whole thing was in His hands. Finishing sooner, finishing later - it wasn't going to make a difference because it would all happen in His timing - no matter what. After missing several other deadlines we set for ourselves, it was actually going to happen by Michael's birthday, Friday, November 6th. I usually have Wednesdays off from work, but that week I had jury duty on Tuesday so that was my day off. That meant that I was "randomly" at home on Tuesday afternoon when Barb called. (Barb is a neighbor who lives several miles north of us. We had gotten to know one of her daughters, Leah and Leah's husband Danny when they visited the church in Columbus. They only visited for a little while but we kept in touch and hung out every once in a while. We actually met Barb when she visited with them. We have hunted on their ranch a couple of times and Michael has gone up to help Danny and Barb's husband Al with ranch things a couple of times.) Barb told me that this phone call would be weird and then told me that another daughter (Amy) was pregnant and wanted us to adopt her baby! (Remember, this is 3 days before we mailed off the last of our application paperwork!) I didn't even know what to say! I gave her the number for Catholic Social Services and told her how wonderful they were. Michael and I must have held our breaths for days wondering if this would really be real. I had a rough day at work on Monday but when I got home Michael told me I needed to listen to our voice messages. Amy had left a message inviting me to come to her ultrasound appointment on Wednesday! I couldn't even believe it! It is one of the coolest things I have ever seen. I could see her (yes, she's a girl) heart beating (143 beats per minuet) and her spine and ribs, her hands and feet in constant motion. . . She was 20 weeks and 4 days, the technician said, and 13 oz. Her due date is 3/27/10. Amy and I went out to lunch afterward to get to know each other. She had told me on the phone that she hoped we liked music because she thinks the baby does. Music? Us? There are so many other details that I can't remember all at once and would just sound like babbling anyway. I thank you from a distance for all your excitement and prayers on our behalf. Here are some specific things you can be praying for: for Amy - it seems that she is far from the Lord and not interested in coming closer, for safety and health for Amy and our first little Lairdlette, for God's hand and will in all of this. Also, we still have to have our homestudy and be approved, but out social worker is so wonderful and keeps telling us that it won't be a big deal. Nothing can be officially official until 72 hours after she is born and Amy signs the papers. We know that nothing is too big for God and we believe that this baby will be our first, but we are also aware of our weakness as humans and that God's ways are not ours and what we consider to be a perfect ending may not be His plan for us. We are focused right now on getting approved, preparing for Baby and ministering to Amy. We appreciate your prayers, love and support. Stay tuned for more updates.

Random Thoughts

It actually feels like early Fall today instead of Winter. Had a great time at a Women's Worship Night last night and I'm taking a break from running errands right now. Michael's been out hunting since yesterday morning - ducks, geese and 1 pheasant that I know of so far. I've been kind of emotional this weekend for unknown reasons; I hope that passes soon because it's exhausting! Been doing some shopping for Michael's birthday (keeping my eye out for Christmas ideas, too). I'm enjoying choir rehearsals for the Living Christmas Tree (it's been so long!) and can't wait to see Michael's family in Texas for Christmas. We're trying to finish up our adoption paperwork and getting ready to start work on a nursery. Please pray for us for patience (I know, we're not supposed to pray for that) as we wait for God to show us what he has next for us. We know we're doing what we should be doing right now but also know that it is not our end destination. That's all I've got for now. Love you all.

Gratitude

It's not just a feeling. It can be cultivated even in tough circumstances; it can be a product of a conscious effort of the mind and heart. I have seen this demonstrated so much in Michael these past few weeks. He likes driving the bus and working in the chemical building at the fireworks plant, but the days he has to work in other building he does kind of mindless, unchallenging assembly line work which makes him think things like "what am I doing here, I have a Master's degree." He is very careful to repent of thoughts like these on the spot and remind himself that a month ago he didn't have a job. It our times of prayer he has never failed to thank God for the work He has provided; and his thanks is with a genuinely thankful and humble heart. The leader of a Bible study I am in told us a few weeks ago about how she intentionally thanks her husband several times a week for going to work to provide for their family; she tells him what a blessing that is to her. I've tried to start doing the same thing - especially as he is currently working at jobs that would not be his top pick. I'm hoping that it is an encouragement to him like his gratitude is an encouragement to me.

Weather Wiplash Again

So, we've been hotter than Atlanta for over a week now, temps reaching 89 last week. We cooled off a little over the weekend and into Monday in the mid-70s. Back up t0 80-something on Tuesday. And today? High of 48 and raining a constant drizzle! I heard a rumor that the high on Monday will be 26, but I'll have to see it to believe it. I'll keep you posted. Hope you all are enjoying the Fall weather wherever you are. Love you.

WORK

Yeah, Michael has at least one job, maybe two. He will start his own bus route on Tuesday and hopefully the pyrotechnics plant in town will work around his schedule and he will be able to work in between driving the bus. This avoids the dreaded drive back and forth to Billings to work (nothing really would have paid enough to make it worth it with the gas and all.) Michael is looking forward to helping with the income and having some of the pressure off so we can focus on what God wants next. Thanks, Lord. And thanks for all your prayers.

Church

We've been invited and are excited to stay at the church where we've been helping out with music this summer. We are looking forward to getting involved. I've also started praying that God will plant a church in our hearts - maybe it's this one, maybe it's one that isn't even started yet, but I'm praying that God will start preparing us for where He will have us minister next.

Psalms Revelation

I've had issues with the book of Psalms in the past. Weird, I know. I obviously love the happy, praising ones but have had a hard time wrapping myself around all the "death and destruction to my enemies" ones. It doesn't seem very New Testament "love your enemies" to me. As I was reading the other day, though, I received a new perspective. The Israelites were God's chosen people. David was God's chosen leader, a man after God's own heart. Perhaps he identified himself so totally with this position that he considered any affront to himself and attack on God's purposes and therefore was seeking the destruction of God's enemies as he asked God for the destruction of his own enemies. Are you following me?

So then, how might that apply to my life. I'm sure there are many applications, but the first one I came up with concerns a job for Michael. Michael is a man of God. He is known in our community as a pastor (currently without church). So I am praying for God to provide him a job where he can continue to minister in this community but also to provide in such a way that the community can see that God is taking care of us - that he does not let His people go un-provided-for. Pretty much a "bless us for the sake of Your Name" deal. It's very biblical - read Psalms. I have a new joy in reading them myself now that I have this new perspective.

Let me know what you think.

Love you.