God has taken me on a journey to learn a little about shame in these last few months. The first step was at a youth conference we had at our church at the beginning of April. The speaker asked the students what was the source of their biggest shame. The things that came to my mind were things I had no control over - therefore why should I feel shame? God then spent the next week showing me the things I should actually be ashamed of - sins in my life that had a stronghold and needed dealing with. Isn't that sneaky of the devil to have us being ashamed of things we have no control over while glossing over things we should be ashamed of, like our own sin. I thought that was the end of the journey.
The next step came at a women's conference this past weekend. The speaker again addressed shame. I realized that part of the shame over that things I could not control was not shame over the things themselves, but over that pain they have caused me. I have been ashamed of my pain (pain for the purposes of these next examples may be equated with tears) Why? I came up with a couple of answers: I don't want to draw attention to my self, I am afraid people will misunderstand and judge me, what if they think I'm being selfish, and finally if I am always displaying my pain to everyone will people get tired of me? I'm not saying they are good reasons, but they are my reasons. And the nugget of truth that followed was this: The world ignores pain - tries to deaden and hide it. I do no service to the Gospel, to the power of Jesus as Comforter and Prince of Peace when I hide and ignore my pain. It's a testimony/witness/gospel issue.
Now, for my family and friends who are now trying to book plane tickets so you can fly out and give me a hug, I'm fine. This is not new pain - it has to do with not living where we want to live and our family not being as big as we'd like. Stuff that we've been dealing with for a couple of years now. I guess I'm surprised by the pain sometimes because I think I should be over it? But if the situation still exists, I guess the pain does, too. But it's not always at the front of my mind. I am even happy and in love and learning and growing and ministering. I guess that's part of the testimony, too. Being a Christian doesn't shield me from pain. But I do have a relationship with the One Who gathers all my tears in a jar, Who wrote the story of my life, Who can redeem my pain, Who has already redeemed my life, Who holds me in the palm of His hand. . .
